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The Cullens don't know why their house plant is dying.

EDWARD: My beloved house plant. It's…dying!
JACOB: Maybe it needs to be watered?
CARLISLE: Watered with milk?
JACOB: No, with water.
CARLISLE: Salty water?
JACOB: No, regular water.
CARLISLE: And do we place a cup of water near the plant, and give the plant a bendy straw?
JASPER: Maybe if we move sideways…
JACOB: No, you pour the water into the soil.
ESME: How much vinegar do we use?
JACOB: None. Just use water.
ALICE: Cinnamon is a type of water, right? I'll go get cinnamon…
CARLISLE: What if we kill the plant with fire? That way, the water could put out the fire.
JASPER: That makes sense. I'll get the fire.
ROSE: No! We must give the plant a chance to live! Let's just wait and see what happens.
BELLA: Magic love might cure the plant. If I love the plant hard enough, it will live. [BELLA SHUTS HER EYES VIGOROUSLY, TRYING TO USE MAGIC LOVE POWERS] Grrr....love, love, love.
JACOB: You just pour regular tap water on the plant.
ESME: This sounds dangerous. I'd better hum.
CARLILSE: There's water in soup. Should I make soup and then pour the soup onto the floor near the plant?
JASPER: Moving sideways will help significantly.
EMMETT: Guys! Shut up! I'm trying to make arrows out frozen snakes!
QUIL: My girlfriend can't pronounce "spaghetti" correctly.

(no subject)

By Daniel Adam Bergstein

Harry Potter is strong and gifted with power.
He can do marvelous things, make enemies cower.
But he doesn't know math; they don't teach that at 'Warts.
So I'm wiser than he, and his mathless cohorts.
Suck on that, Mr. Potter. You're not so great.
What good is a wand, if you can't calculate?
Run away with your spells and philosopher rocks.
I'll rule your world with a basic knowledge of stocks.

Hobbit wedding

Earlier today, Jake's sister Ashlynn assumed we were having a Hobbit-themed wedding. I told her no, and she said she just assumed that's what we would have. I didn't really think about it at the time, but my wedding colors are green and yellow. And now I remember that Hobbits like to dress "chiefly in green and yellow." Lol.

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On the plane home, Bella makes a startling discover.

EDWARD: Don't worry, Lamb. Everything will be fine.
BELLA: But it feels so strange. The baby is already kicking, and it's growing so fast.
EDWARD: Try to relax. We'll be home soon, and—
BABY: Hello?
BELLA: What the hell was that?
EDWARD: It came from your stomach.
BABY: Hello? Yeah, it's me. Your baby.
BELLA: I don't understand. How can—
BABY: I'm growing at an alarming rate. I can already walk and talk, and I'm reading at a 4th grade level.
BELLA: Really?
BABY: I also taught myself fractions.
BELLA: I’m so proud of you, my lion cub! I can't wait to touch your face!
EDWARD: We better kill it.
BELLA: But why? It already knows fractions, Edward! Fractions!
EDWARD: Yeah, but…but…what if you won't have any time to touch my face once the baby is born?
BELLA: Don’t worry, Edward. With a new baby on the way, things are going to change. But I still love you. How about if you be mommy's helper? Would you like that?
EDWARD: [UNDER HIS BREATH] Whatever. The baby better not touch my stuff and get spit-up on everything.
BABY: Hey, mom, can you swallow a bike? I think I know how to ride one.
EDWARD: No! What are you doing? That will kill you! Put that down or—
EDWARD: [ANSWERS PHONE] Hello? Quil? How's it going? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I see. Well, I can ask her, but…[TO BELLA] Quil wants you to swallow this phone. He'd like to speak to the baby.
BELLA: He's such a good guy. He probably just wants to tell the baby a bedtime story. [SWALLOWS PHONE]

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In answer to the question from the last blog, the female house cleaner is aware that Eddie is a vampire. She's very concerned for Bella, and in this awkward scene that seems to have been written by a hyper six-year-old, the Brazilian woman and Edward argue over Bella's safety.

It's never clear why they are fighting, but eventually the woman walks over to Bella, touches her belly and says, "Morte." Either she's thinks this child is damned, or she wants it to be named Morty. I think that's a great name. Even better, call it Cactus Morty.

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After breakfast, Bella and Edward continue to argue.

EDWARD: We can't have nude passion again, Lamb, because it will kill you.
BELLA: No it won't. I'm fine! I'm totally fine!
EDWARD: You don't understand. I lost control last night. I took one of your kidneys.
BELLA: You did what?
EDWARD: I lost control and was overpowered by lust. Stealing your kidney just felt like the right thing to do. You didn't notice because you were in the throes of passion.
BELLA: No biggie. I have another kidney. I'll just hide my second one next time, maybe shove it down to my ankle. Then you can't get it. [TRIES TO MOVE HER REMAINING KIDNEY WITH A ROLLING PIN]
EDWARD: It's still too dangerous. I did more than steal your kidney…
BELLA: What else did you do to me?
EDWARD: Well, in the heat of the moment, I gave you a cavity. A deep one.
BELLA: Really?
EDWARD: [ASHAMED] Yes. I lost control, Bella. This is what I was afraid of.
BELLA: A cavity isn't a huge deal. I can go to the dentist.
EDWARD: But there's more. At about 2 a.m., when you left to get a drink of water, I posted a Facebook picture of you on the toilet. I…I lost control Bella.
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: I knew this would happen. I couldn't control my actions. I was running on pure animal instincts. Overwhelmed with passion, posting that photo just felt right. I'm sorry.
BELLA: That doesn't make sense.
EDWARD: I also wrote, "Fat Chick" on your back with a permanent marker.
EDWARD: See! I told you it was dangerous. When you're a vampire, things will be different.
BELLA: It's OK. Really. By the way, why are my nostrils glued shut?
EDWARD: It's not my fault, Lamb. It's the passion. Well, the passion and the glue.

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So anyway, Bella is driving around town in her new Mercedes. Her truck, which was one of my favorite characters in this series, died. So, that pissed me off for the rest of the day. It's like if the third Lord of the Rings movie began with Cate Blanchett whispering, "And the ring traveled East, right into the clutches of Lord Sauron. By the way, Gimli died a few weeks ago. He had diabetes.

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T'was late in the morn' when Bella awoke.
She had slept in real late, and that is no joke
She makes a Pop-Tart, as Edward does stare
He looks at her wolf-charm, and pretends not to care.

They talk about gifts, and presents and such.
She wants nothing from Eddie but the gift of his touch.
He will give her a gift. Something old, something used.
She says she'll accept. I'm guessing it's shoes.

They yap about love, as I roll my eyes.
Then Alice calls Eddie, and part of me dies.
I hate Alice Cullen. You know that by now.
So I will shut up, like some silent cow.

Edward hangs up, and gives Bella a look.
She knows she's been caught like some dirty crook.
See, Bella has thought of a scary new plan,
To help her friends fight the evil vampire clan.

She will not hide away during the big bad fight,
But will stand in the clearing where she can see every bite.
Her presence will confuse the bad nasty vamps.
So the Cullens and werewolves will become the champs.

How's this poem going? Have you been to Prague?
I'm starting to wish I wrote a regular blog.
What rhymes with Embry? Gosh, I don't know.
Why couldn't he have been named Ted, Fred, or Joe?

Angry Bella demands to be part of the fight.
She whines and complains, like she does every night.
Edward says no, it's too filled with danger
She'd only get hurt. She's no Hermione Granger.

But Bella refuses her master's demand.
If Edward is fighting, she's making her stand.
She says, "Jasper knows that this plan will work.
So quit being a baby, you big baby jerk."

Ed shakes his head. He will not give in.
He then changes the subject. I want to kick his shin.
He talks about the wolves, the were-ing kinds.
He used his dumb powers to read into their minds.

One new wolf is a woman, and not to be rude,
But does she walk around all day nearly nude?
The boy-wolves hate shirts, and pants that are long.
I wonder if she-wolf walks around in a thong.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Don't give me that look.
I've been spending too much time with this lousy book.
Too many abs, pecs, and jean shorts descriptions.
It's like I'm reading Twilight: The Swimsuit Edition.

That last part didn't rhyme, and hardly makes sense.
Sorry about that. And don't take offense.
So Edward saw into all the werewolves' brains
And tells us their gossip, their feelings, their pains.

The she-wolf is Leah, ex-girlfriend of Sam
She's part of the pack now, and I'm all like, "Daaamn!"
Think of the drama! This is going to be fun.
Like watching a dating show on VH1.

Leah thinks about stuff others wish to ignore.
Like the fact that Embry's dad is a man-whore.
See, Embry's mom came here from way up north.
And…this part is hard to rhyme, and so forth.

Not sure how to put this, and still make a poem.
Need to rhyme the word Quileute, or Ateara. Hummm.
OK, Embry's mom had an affair, though we're not sure with whom.
His dad might be Billy, or the other dads. Ka-boom!

I wonder if SparkNotes will let me call Leah a bitch.
I might need to change that to "loser" or "witch."
But I'm technically correct, as Leah's a dog.
I'm teaching folks vocab with the words in this blog.

That's all the wolf stories that Edward will tell.
And it's back to Bel's plan, and how it will fail
She makes a demand that is selfish and trite.
"Ed, you stay with me, while the others go fight."

Belly won't mess with the vampire war
If Eddy stays behind and kisses her more.
She wants him to stand down, let the others go to battle.
Bella's like a baby, demanding her rattle.

Edward should fight; he should help his friends.
But he decides to sit out. I hope he dies in the end(s).
He could save his family, or the entire town of Forks.
But Bella makes him her cuddle buddy. What dorks.

Bella, you're evil. I hate you. You suck.
I hope you get bit by an evil rabid duck.
How could you ask this? How? And why?
Ed needs to fight. If he doesn't, you die!

Edward agrees not to fight, and I lose all respect.
Ed, you should fight the bad vampires. Bella can deal with neglect.
Emmett better show up soon. I'm getting a headache.
And he should bring me an axe, a sword, and a big piece of cake.

So Edward won't fight, and Bella eats food.
Some crap happens with Alice, but I'm not in the mood.
Later that night they all go to fight practice.
And…something, something, something cactus.

Only three wolves show up, but it's better than none.
They are so cool, big, and brave! I wish I were one.
I keep flexing my calves, sure that is the trick.
But so far it's done nothing but make my face tic.

Emmett is there, wrestling. Hi Emmett! It's me!
Jacob's there too, with his friends Quil and Embry.
Ah! I found a good rhyme for the odd-named chap.
I knew I could it do it. I should go into rap.

My rap name would be Phalcon. Or maybe just Dan.
I would rap about dinosaurs, jetpacks, and Japan.
And I would wear lots of gold, but not on my neck.
I would wear a man-tiara. Why not? What the heck!

Where was I? Oh yeah, the practice. That's right.
Wolf Jacob walks to Bella, not to Edward's delight.
Then something happens, that was not expected
I found myself smiling. (No sarcasm detected.)

Bella and Wolfy share a quiet moment or two.
It's charming and nice, like Winnie the Pooh.
He barks, and she talks, and it's genuinely sweet.
After reading this dumb chapter, this part was a treat.

But the final line of this chapter made me laugh so hard
It's goofy, and pretentious. Meyer thinks she's The Bard.
I would type it here, but it will mess up my rhyming.
Go read it yourself. Mountains are for climbing.

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Why didn't they hide Bella in—gosh, I don't know—a house? Or even a car with a working heater? Why does she need to be outside in the elements? What possible benefit could this have?

EVIL VAMPIRE 1: We will kill Bella!
EVIL VAMPIRE 2: Yes, she will soon be destroyed!
EVIL VAMPIRE 3: Unless, of course, she's inside a tent. In which case, we're totally screwed.
EVIL VAMPIRE 1: But I thought tents didn't really exist. I thought it was just a story vampire moms told their vampire children to scare them.
EVIL VAMPIRE 2: No! Not tents! Anything but tents! [Kills himself]

Eventually, Bella is warm enough that her muscles relax and she asks Jacob a weird question: Why is his wolf fur much longer than the wolf fur of all the other werewolves?


Of all the questions I have for the werewolves, asking about their hair length doesn't even crack my top fifteen. And because I know you're wondering, here are my top fifteen questions I will ask a werewolf when I meet one:

1. Can you tell me which muscles I need to flex to become a werewolf?

2. Why not?

3. Please?

4. What's it like being amazing?

5. Can you time travel?

6. Could you eat a dinosaur?

7. Are you sure you can't time travel?

8. Do you have a best friend?

9. How do you keep your fur from catching fire when you use jet packs?

10. If a werewolf turns into a wolf while she's pregnant, does the fetus also transform?

11. When in wolf form, you read each other's minds. But do you also see what other werewolves are seeing? If so, you could save a lot of money by only sending one wolf to the movies, while the other wolves simply stayed home and read that wolf's mind.

12. If someone staples your tail to a tree while you're in wolf form, what would happen when you transform back into a human? Would the tail still be stapled to the tree?

13. Where does your tail go?

14. Ke$ha sucks, right?

15. What song should we sing at karaoke night?
But Bella takes the opportunity to ask why Jacob's wolf fur is long. *sigh*

What's even more disappointing is Jacob's answer: his wolf fur is longer because his human hair is longer than the other tribe members' hair.


So by that logic, werewolf Leah must have shorter hair than Jacob. Right? Does Leah shave her head? If she had long hair, she wouldn't be able to run as a wolf.
But forget about Leah for the moment. Why would your head hair have any impact on the length of your body hair? When a werewolf transforms, does his scalp spread out over his entire body? What if he's bald? What if he dyes his hair? I need to revise my werewolf questionnaire.