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Bella is so perfect that instead of earwax, she has ear kittens.

The Cullens don't know why their house plant is dying.

EDWARD: My beloved house plant. It's…dying!
JACOB: Maybe it needs to be watered?
CARLISLE: Watered with milk?
JACOB: No, with water.
CARLISLE: Salty water?
JACOB: No, regular water.
CARLISLE: And do we place a cup of water near the plant, and give the plant a bendy straw?
JASPER: Maybe if we move sideways…
JACOB: No, you pour the water into the soil.
ESME: How much vinegar do we use?
JACOB: None. Just use water.
ALICE: Cinnamon is a type of water, right? I'll go get cinnamon…
CARLISLE: What if we kill the plant with fire? That way, the water could put out the fire.
JASPER: That makes sense. I'll get the fire.
ROSE: No! We must give the plant a chance to live! Let's just wait and see what happens.
BELLA: Magic love might cure the plant. If I love the plant hard enough, it will live. [BELLA SHUTS HER EYES VIGOROUSLY, TRYING TO USE MAGIC LOVE POWERS] Grrr....love, love, love.
JACOB: You just pour regular tap water on the plant.
ESME: This sounds dangerous. I'd better hum.
CARLILSE: There's water in soup. Should I make soup and then pour the soup onto the floor near the plant?
JASPER: Moving sideways will help significantly.
EMMETT: Guys! Shut up! I'm trying to make arrows out frozen snakes!
QUIL: My girlfriend can't pronounce "spaghetti" correctly.
By Daniel Adam Bergstein

Harry Potter is strong and gifted with power.
He can do marvelous things, make enemies cower.
But he doesn't know math; they don't teach that at 'Warts.
So I'm wiser than he, and his mathless cohorts.
Suck on that, Mr. Potter. You're not so great.
What good is a wand, if you can't calculate?
Run away with your spells and philosopher rocks.
I'll rule your world with a basic knowledge of stocks.

Hobbit wedding

Earlier today, Jake's sister Ashlynn assumed we were having a Hobbit-themed wedding. I told her no, and she said she just assumed that's what we would have. I didn't really think about it at the time, but my wedding colors are green and yellow. And now I remember that Hobbits like to dress "chiefly in green and yellow." Lol.

Aug. 12th, 2014

On the plane home, Bella makes a startling discover.

EDWARD: Don't worry, Lamb. Everything will be fine.
BELLA: But it feels so strange. The baby is already kicking, and it's growing so fast.
EDWARD: Try to relax. We'll be home soon, and—
BABY: Hello?
BELLA: What the hell was that?
EDWARD: It came from your stomach.
BABY: Hello? Yeah, it's me. Your baby.
BELLA: I don't understand. How can—
BABY: I'm growing at an alarming rate. I can already walk and talk, and I'm reading at a 4th grade level.
BELLA: Really?
BABY: I also taught myself fractions.
BELLA: I’m so proud of you, my lion cub! I can't wait to touch your face!
EDWARD: We better kill it.
BELLA: But why? It already knows fractions, Edward! Fractions!
EDWARD: Yeah, but…but…what if you won't have any time to touch my face once the baby is born?
BELLA: Don’t worry, Edward. With a new baby on the way, things are going to change. But I still love you. How about if you be mommy's helper? Would you like that?
EDWARD: [UNDER HIS BREATH] Whatever. The baby better not touch my stuff and get spit-up on everything.
BABY: Hey, mom, can you swallow a bike? I think I know how to ride one.
EDWARD: No! What are you doing? That will kill you! Put that down or—
EDWARD: [ANSWERS PHONE] Hello? Quil? How's it going? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I see. Well, I can ask her, but…[TO BELLA] Quil wants you to swallow this phone. He'd like to speak to the baby.
BELLA: He's such a good guy. He probably just wants to tell the baby a bedtime story. [SWALLOWS PHONE]

Aug. 12th, 2014

In answer to the question from the last blog, the female house cleaner is aware that Eddie is a vampire. She's very concerned for Bella, and in this awkward scene that seems to have been written by a hyper six-year-old, the Brazilian woman and Edward argue over Bella's safety.

It's never clear why they are fighting, but eventually the woman walks over to Bella, touches her belly and says, "Morte." Either she's thinks this child is damned, or she wants it to be named Morty. I think that's a great name. Even better, call it Cactus Morty.

Aug. 11th, 2014

After breakfast, Bella and Edward continue to argue.

EDWARD: We can't have nude passion again, Lamb, because it will kill you.
BELLA: No it won't. I'm fine! I'm totally fine!
EDWARD: You don't understand. I lost control last night. I took one of your kidneys.
BELLA: You did what?
EDWARD: I lost control and was overpowered by lust. Stealing your kidney just felt like the right thing to do. You didn't notice because you were in the throes of passion.
BELLA: No biggie. I have another kidney. I'll just hide my second one next time, maybe shove it down to my ankle. Then you can't get it. [TRIES TO MOVE HER REMAINING KIDNEY WITH A ROLLING PIN]
EDWARD: It's still too dangerous. I did more than steal your kidney…
BELLA: What else did you do to me?
EDWARD: Well, in the heat of the moment, I gave you a cavity. A deep one.
BELLA: Really?
EDWARD: [ASHAMED] Yes. I lost control, Bella. This is what I was afraid of.
BELLA: A cavity isn't a huge deal. I can go to the dentist.
EDWARD: But there's more. At about 2 a.m., when you left to get a drink of water, I posted a Facebook picture of you on the toilet. I…I lost control Bella.
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: I knew this would happen. I couldn't control my actions. I was running on pure animal instincts. Overwhelmed with passion, posting that photo just felt right. I'm sorry.
BELLA: That doesn't make sense.
EDWARD: I also wrote, "Fat Chick" on your back with a permanent marker.
EDWARD: See! I told you it was dangerous. When you're a vampire, things will be different.
BELLA: It's OK. Really. By the way, why are my nostrils glued shut?
EDWARD: It's not my fault, Lamb. It's the passion. Well, the passion and the glue.

Aug. 11th, 2014

So anyway, Bella is driving around town in her new Mercedes. Her truck, which was one of my favorite characters in this series, died. So, that pissed me off for the rest of the day. It's like if the third Lord of the Rings movie began with Cate Blanchett whispering, "And the ring traveled East, right into the clutches of Lord Sauron. By the way, Gimli died a few weeks ago. He had diabetes.

Aug. 11th, 2014

T'was late in the morn' when Bella awoke.
She had slept in real late, and that is no joke
She makes a Pop-Tart, as Edward does stare
He looks at her wolf-charm, and pretends not to care.

They talk about gifts, and presents and such.
She wants nothing from Eddie but the gift of his touch.
He will give her a gift. Something old, something used.
She says she'll accept. I'm guessing it's shoes.

They yap about love, as I roll my eyes.
Then Alice calls Eddie, and part of me dies.
I hate Alice Cullen. You know that by now.
So I will shut up, like some silent cow.

Edward hangs up, and gives Bella a look.
She knows she's been caught like some dirty crook.
See, Bella has thought of a scary new plan,
To help her friends fight the evil vampire clan.

She will not hide away during the big bad fight,
But will stand in the clearing where she can see every bite.
Her presence will confuse the bad nasty vamps.
So the Cullens and werewolves will become the champs.

How's this poem going? Have you been to Prague?
I'm starting to wish I wrote a regular blog.
What rhymes with Embry? Gosh, I don't know.
Why couldn't he have been named Ted, Fred, or Joe?

Angry Bella demands to be part of the fight.
She whines and complains, like she does every night.
Edward says no, it's too filled with danger
She'd only get hurt. She's no Hermione Granger.

But Bella refuses her master's demand.
If Edward is fighting, she's making her stand.
She says, "Jasper knows that this plan will work.
So quit being a baby, you big baby jerk."

Ed shakes his head. He will not give in.
He then changes the subject. I want to kick his shin.
He talks about the wolves, the were-ing kinds.
He used his dumb powers to read into their minds.

One new wolf is a woman, and not to be rude,
But does she walk around all day nearly nude?
The boy-wolves hate shirts, and pants that are long.
I wonder if she-wolf walks around in a thong.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Don't give me that look.
I've been spending too much time with this lousy book.
Too many abs, pecs, and jean shorts descriptions.
It's like I'm reading Twilight: The Swimsuit Edition.

That last part didn't rhyme, and hardly makes sense.
Sorry about that. And don't take offense.
So Edward saw into all the werewolves' brains
And tells us their gossip, their feelings, their pains.

The she-wolf is Leah, ex-girlfriend of Sam
She's part of the pack now, and I'm all like, "Daaamn!"
Think of the drama! This is going to be fun.
Like watching a dating show on VH1.

Leah thinks about stuff others wish to ignore.
Like the fact that Embry's dad is a man-whore.
See, Embry's mom came here from way up north.
And…this part is hard to rhyme, and so forth.

Not sure how to put this, and still make a poem.
Need to rhyme the word Quileute, or Ateara. Hummm.
OK, Embry's mom had an affair, though we're not sure with whom.
His dad might be Billy, or the other dads. Ka-boom!

I wonder if SparkNotes will let me call Leah a bitch.
I might need to change that to "loser" or "witch."
But I'm technically correct, as Leah's a dog.
I'm teaching folks vocab with the words in this blog.

That's all the wolf stories that Edward will tell.
And it's back to Bel's plan, and how it will fail
She makes a demand that is selfish and trite.
"Ed, you stay with me, while the others go fight."

Belly won't mess with the vampire war
If Eddy stays behind and kisses her more.
She wants him to stand down, let the others go to battle.
Bella's like a baby, demanding her rattle.

Edward should fight; he should help his friends.
But he decides to sit out. I hope he dies in the end(s).
He could save his family, or the entire town of Forks.
But Bella makes him her cuddle buddy. What dorks.

Bella, you're evil. I hate you. You suck.
I hope you get bit by an evil rabid duck.
How could you ask this? How? And why?
Ed needs to fight. If he doesn't, you die!

Edward agrees not to fight, and I lose all respect.
Ed, you should fight the bad vampires. Bella can deal with neglect.
Emmett better show up soon. I'm getting a headache.
And he should bring me an axe, a sword, and a big piece of cake.

So Edward won't fight, and Bella eats food.
Some crap happens with Alice, but I'm not in the mood.
Later that night they all go to fight practice.
And…something, something, something cactus.

Only three wolves show up, but it's better than none.
They are so cool, big, and brave! I wish I were one.
I keep flexing my calves, sure that is the trick.
But so far it's done nothing but make my face tic.

Emmett is there, wrestling. Hi Emmett! It's me!
Jacob's there too, with his friends Quil and Embry.
Ah! I found a good rhyme for the odd-named chap.
I knew I could it do it. I should go into rap.

My rap name would be Phalcon. Or maybe just Dan.
I would rap about dinosaurs, jetpacks, and Japan.
And I would wear lots of gold, but not on my neck.
I would wear a man-tiara. Why not? What the heck!

Where was I? Oh yeah, the practice. That's right.
Wolf Jacob walks to Bella, not to Edward's delight.
Then something happens, that was not expected
I found myself smiling. (No sarcasm detected.)

Bella and Wolfy share a quiet moment or two.
It's charming and nice, like Winnie the Pooh.
He barks, and she talks, and it's genuinely sweet.
After reading this dumb chapter, this part was a treat.

But the final line of this chapter made me laugh so hard
It's goofy, and pretentious. Meyer thinks she's The Bard.
I would type it here, but it will mess up my rhyming.
Go read it yourself. Mountains are for climbing.

Aug. 11th, 2014

Why didn't they hide Bella in—gosh, I don't know—a house? Or even a car with a working heater? Why does she need to be outside in the elements? What possible benefit could this have?

EVIL VAMPIRE 1: We will kill Bella!
EVIL VAMPIRE 2: Yes, she will soon be destroyed!
EVIL VAMPIRE 3: Unless, of course, she's inside a tent. In which case, we're totally screwed.
EVIL VAMPIRE 1: But I thought tents didn't really exist. I thought it was just a story vampire moms told their vampire children to scare them.
EVIL VAMPIRE 2: No! Not tents! Anything but tents! [Kills himself]

Eventually, Bella is warm enough that her muscles relax and she asks Jacob a weird question: Why is his wolf fur much longer than the wolf fur of all the other werewolves?


Of all the questions I have for the werewolves, asking about their hair length doesn't even crack my top fifteen. And because I know you're wondering, here are my top fifteen questions I will ask a werewolf when I meet one:

1. Can you tell me which muscles I need to flex to become a werewolf?

2. Why not?

3. Please?

4. What's it like being amazing?

5. Can you time travel?

6. Could you eat a dinosaur?

7. Are you sure you can't time travel?

8. Do you have a best friend?

9. How do you keep your fur from catching fire when you use jet packs?

10. If a werewolf turns into a wolf while she's pregnant, does the fetus also transform?

11. When in wolf form, you read each other's minds. But do you also see what other werewolves are seeing? If so, you could save a lot of money by only sending one wolf to the movies, while the other wolves simply stayed home and read that wolf's mind.

12. If someone staples your tail to a tree while you're in wolf form, what would happen when you transform back into a human? Would the tail still be stapled to the tree?

13. Where does your tail go?

14. Ke$ha sucks, right?

15. What song should we sing at karaoke night?
But Bella takes the opportunity to ask why Jacob's wolf fur is long. *sigh*

What's even more disappointing is Jacob's answer: his wolf fur is longer because his human hair is longer than the other tribe members' hair.


So by that logic, werewolf Leah must have shorter hair than Jacob. Right? Does Leah shave her head? If she had long hair, she wouldn't be able to run as a wolf.
But forget about Leah for the moment. Why would your head hair have any impact on the length of your body hair? When a werewolf transforms, does his scalp spread out over his entire body? What if he's bald? What if he dyes his hair? I need to revise my werewolf questionnaire.

Aug. 11th, 2014

It's also the most hilarious thanks to this gem of a mind-thought from Bella as she finally realizes she loves Jacob:

"His pain had always been and would always be my pain - now his joy was my joy. I felt joy, too, and yet his happiness was somehow also pain."

Sorry. I'm going to need a minute here. I'm laughing so hard that no noise is coming from my mouth. I think the laugh is at such a high pitch that it's upsetting the neighborhood dogs and bats. And now I'm crying with laughter…that is also happiness and somehow also pain, but a pain that is also the joy of happiness mixed with other pain.
Jacob is fighting in the battle. Minutes later, he feels a tap on his shoulder.

EDWARD: Hey Jake.
JACOB: What's up? Is there a problem?
EDWARD: Sort of. Bella wants to talk to you again.
JACOB: But the war…
EDWARD: Yeah, I know. But she's being double-sad. I hate to see her like this.

Jacob and Edward go back to camp.

BELLA: Jacob! I need to talk to you.
JACOB: Are you OK?
BELLA: Yep. I wanted you to know that I like you as a friend.
JACOB: Um…great. Listen, I need to get back to the fight. Quil was just murdered. It's not looking good.
BELLA: [Annoyed] Fine. Whatever.

Jacob leaves. Moments later, Edward taps his shoulder again and takes him back to Bella.

JACOB: This better be important. The bad vampires have Embry and Esme surrounded. Jasper is dead. And Sam had his arm torn off.
BELLA: Do you like corn on the cob, or off the cob? I like corn off the cob. I wanted you to know that.
BELLA: Because corn on the cob is fun to eat, but then you get all those corn pieces in your teeth.
BELLA: I like peas. Do you like peas?

Jacob just walks away. He returns to the battle and sees that the bad vampires have slaughtered everyone, including all the citizens of Forks. As he stares at the carnage, a single tear falls from his eye while an evil vampire stabs him in the chest with a broken rusty pipe. Jacob falls to the ground. As he dies, he sees Edward approaching.

JACOB: Help…me…
EDWARD: Bella wants to talk to you.
JACOB: Losing...blood...
EDWARD: I'm not going to carry you. That'd be weird. You'll need to crawl up the mountain.

At the campsite.

BELLA: I think Ben Stiller is a pretty good actor, given the right role. I wanted you to know that.
JACOB: I…hate…you...
BELLA: I hope we can still be friends after you die.
BELLA: Where does your tail go when you turn back into a human?
But—and I may be wrong about this, because the writing is so utterly confusing—Bella doesn't even break the skin with her rock-dagger. Before making the incision, she gasps, and this gasp distracts Victoria long enough for Edward to kick her ass into a tree.

A gasp? That's all it took? Perhaps Bella has a super gasping power. Or maybe I've been underestimating the power of gasps my entire life. Or maybe this is just a lousy climax. What if instead of taking the ring to Mount Doom, Frodo simply had to gasp at the ring to destory it? What if Andy didn't need to escape prison in The Shawshank Redemption, but merely had to gasp at the evil warden? What if the Death Star could have been destroyed by a gasp?

After the war, the werewolves and the Cullens have a big party at the Cullen house.

ESME: Dude. Did you see me stab that vampire in his ear? That was sweet!
EMBRY: Oh man. That was awesome. How about the time I bit off that vampire's knee?!
EMMETT: I killed a vampire by twisting his head off with my feet whilst I killed a second vampire with my thumbs. I also killed ten vampires with a sword I glued to an ax.
EDWARD: That sounds great. I killed Victoria.
SETH: And I ate Riley!
BELLA: And I gasped!
BELLA: I gasped real loud!
BELLA: It was like this [MAKES GASP SOUND] Cool, huh? Pretty much saved the day.
BELLA: Y'all are just jealous.
QUIL: My girlfriend can't use scissors.

I was under the impression that the Volturi vampires were all-knowing, all-powerful vampires. These ancient baddies aren't able to smell werewolves? The same werewolves whose sent is so strong that Eddie can smell Jacob's odor on Bella's hair for hours after Jacob left? This seems assy.

DAKOTA FANNING: I smell something strong and unpleasant.
VOLTURI GUARD 1: I smell it too. It's like a beast but with hints of human…
VOLTURI GUARD 2: Maybe it's a wolf that was stapled to a man.
DAKOTA FANNING: Hmm. Probably. This is most unusual. I also wonder how the Cullens could have defeated an entire army of newborn vampires.
JASPER: We moved fast. Sideways, too.
DAKOTA FANNING: That explains it. The smell is a wolf stapled to a man or maybe burnt popcorn. Let's not worry about it.

Edward takes the still-confused Bella to the clearing. On the way, he (finally) explains that Werewolf Jacob was injured trying to protect Werewolf Leah. The news that Jacob was hurt makes Bella very sleepy, and she takes a nap.

When she wakes up, she is in the clearing, surrounded by the Cullens. Emmett is there. Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, I got a new basketball. Guess what I named it! I named it Emmett. Now, after I make each and every shot, I say, "Thanks Emmett," and smile. Then my friends smile. Then they smile with their voices. It sounds a lot like giggling, but it's really just loud smiles. You make everyone happy, Emmett.
So Bella goes home, complete with a new dress that Alice bought as a way to keep their alibi safe. She makes dinner for Charlie and they chat about Jacob. The aloof Charlie says Billy was acting odd all day. We know that Billy was worried about the war going on, but couldn't tell Charlie about it. So it's understandable that Billy was a bit preoccupied.

Then Charlie says they heard deafening wolf howls, which stopped when Sam and the guys brought the broken Jacob inside the house. They told Charlie Jacob was hurt in a motorcycle accident. Charlie thinks the whole day was weird, but doesn't bother to ask important questions. Nice work, Chief of Police Charles Swan. I wonder how he handles crime?

CHARLIE: That car is weird. I hope Bella makes breakfast for dinner.
The next chapter is an all-out orgy. And by orgy, I mean "awkward talky-time."

EDWARD: Bella, you need to get some rest. Brush your teeth and moisturize your skin. And don't forget to floss.
JACOB: Why do you tell Bella what to do all the time?
EDWARD: Because if I don't, she'll die.
JACOB: You're not giving her a chance.
EDWARD: Fine. You think she can survive on her own? Check this out. [To Bella] Lamb, Jake and I are going to step outside of the tent for a minute. You'll be fine on your own, right?
BELLA: Yeppers!

[Jacob and Edward leave for one minute and then return to find Bella covered in blood and missing a foot]

EDWARD: What happened?
BELLA: Well, I wasn't sure if I should cut off my own foot or not. And Eddie wasn't around to tell me to stop. So…
JACOB: But…but…but…
BELLA: It's all good. My foot doesn't hurt. Just the part where my foot connected to my leg hurts. So I don't think I need to see a doctor.
JACOB: But…but…but…
BELLA: And I brushed the wound with toothpaste because the bone looked like a tooth to me. Then I used your cellphone to wire all my money to some needy man named SpAMFILE.
BELLA: I may have also become addicted to opiates. Not really sure yet.
JACOB: We were only gone for a minute!
BELLA: Wait. Hold on. Um…yep. I'm addicted to opiates. Weird, right?
EDWARD: [Turns to Jacob] Now do you understand?
JACOB: I…but…
BELLA: Do you have any opiates? Or foot glue?
With the camping gear packed, Edward and Bella head out into the forest to leave the false trail. Edward tells Bella which way to walk, and as they proceed, she drops strands of hair and touches trees to make sure her stink is everywhere. I can't think of anything funny to say about that. So apropos of nothing: Sometimes I look at trees and wonder if they're just growing or if they're trying to slowly escape Earth.
After weeks and weeks of waiting, everyone will finally learn the secret to killing newborn vampires. This is going to be amazing. This is going to be fascinating. There must be some secret trick, like maybe you need to stab them in the eye. Oh boy. Oh boy. This is going to be good!

And then Jasper says that to kill a newborn vampire, you need to be fast.


Wait. That's it? Hold on. My book is probably broken. The pages of this chapter in which Jasper shows everyone how to stab a newborn vampire in the eye must be missing.

Crap. My book is intact.

Be fast? That's the trick? That's what Jasper has been waiting to tell us? Really? Be fast? I could have told you that. I wonder what Jasper's trick is for making a delicious blueberry muffin.

JASPER: Use batter. Blueberries too.

You might think I'm exaggerating. But here are Jasper's word-for-word instructions:

"As long as you come at them from the side, and keep moving, they'll be too confused to respond effectively."

You don't need a special dagger or a magic rope. You don't need a fancy bullet or a sword made of angel bones. You just need to be fast…and hit them sideways. Well, I'm glad Jasper waited to tell everyone this helpful information. Had he mentioned it earlier, I'm sure Emmett would have crushed Jasper's dumb blond head in a vice. I know I would have, if I had a vice.

With the complex, wildly inventive strategy explained, Jasper challenges Emmett to a sparring match, to show everyone what he means about being fast. Jasper races around in a blur as Emmett tries to catch him. Finally, Jasper grabs him from behind, and Emmett loses. (Boo!)

I love watching the vampires practice, but what does this teach anyone? Were the vampire going to fight slowly against the evil vampires?

EDWARD: OK, when we fight the bad guys, I'm going to casually walk up to them and poke them directly in the nose.
ESME: And I shall stroll toward one of them, and slap his forehead.
ROSALIE: I will just stand still and wait for them to come to me. Then I will kill them with kisses and hugs.
JASPER: NO! You fools! That will never work!

The fight begins!

EVIL VAMPIRE: Now, little Bella. You are mine! [RUSHES TOWARDS BELLA]
JASPER: Attack!
EVIL VAMPIRE: What the hell? No! Don't attack me sideways! Anything but sideways! And not so fast. Please slow down! Argh!
QUIL: My girlfriend is two years old. I just want to make sure everyone knows that. I cannot stress this fact enough. She is two, and I love her. I don't see age, only beauty. If you have a problem with that, then I say good day to you, sir, and move on with my life.
The Cullens meet in the ready-room to discuss the situation.

BELLA: And so I think maybe the vampires in Seattle are the same vampires that stole my clothes.
CARLISLE: Genius! You're a bloody genius!
BELLA: I also think that when my body runs out of water, it makes me thirsty for water.
ESME: You should be a scientist!
EDWARD: What should we do about this situation? Wait for a few weeks? Stand around talking about our past? Because if that's what it takes, I'll do it. See, once upon a time I had a bad case of the flu and so Carlisle—
EMMETT: We need to go kill these vampires. They need to ride the Pain Train. [FLEXES HIS MUSCLES]
CARLISLE: But we can't. We don't know how. Jasper needs to—
JASPER: [YELLING FROM THE OTHER ROOM] I'm not ready yet! My charts aren't finished, the glue is drying weird, and now I'm out of glitter. Mom? Do we have any glitter? Silver glitter? None of that gold crap.
ESME: Check the junk drawer, dear.
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] Mom, can you check? Mom? Mooooom? Glitter?
ESME: Why can't you check, love?
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] Because I'm coloring!
ALICE: Wait. I'm getting a vision. Someone will…do something…and…there's a man, or maybe a potato? Bella, do you know any men or potatoes that hate you?
EMMETT: Uh-oh. I think the Pain Train is leaving soon. Destination, Seattle. [FLEXES MUSCLES]
JASPER: [FROM OTHER ROOM] Mom!? Is Emmett making fun of my scars?
ESME: No, honey. No one is making fun of your scars.
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] Yes he is! I know he is. He's always making fun of my scars! I hate him! I hate this family! I want to drink Bella's blood.
ESME: Jasper, honey. We talked about that, remember?
ROSALIE: Why would a vampire want…her? Like, eww.
EMMETT: By the way, I call my arms the Pain Train. And they depart every hour, on the hour. Because that's what's up. [STARES AT EDWARD]
CARLISLE: Emmett's right. We should probably go to Seattle soon.
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] But I told you! I'm not ready! The charts aren't done, and I need to cut out more picture from magazines! And all our magazines are stupid. I hate them!
EDWARD: Hmm. Who is behind this vampire army?
CARLISE: I have no idea.
ESME: It could be anyone.
ROSEALIE: It's a real mystery.
EMMETT: Whoever it is, I shall give them a non-transferable ticket to ride the Pain Train.
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] Mom? Is Emmett talking about my scars? My scars are not my fault, Emmett. I'm pretty on the inside! Tell him, mom. Tell him I'm pretty on my insides!
BELLA: Um…maybe Victoria is behind all this?
EDWARD: Oh Bella, you're such a total moron.
EMMETT: Pain Train!

Meanwhile, the werewolves have already killed Victoria and the newborn vampires. After that, they built an orphanage and organized a food drive. They also cleaned up 13 miles of Highway 87, and stopped four bank robberies.
Stephenie Meyer continues to shock the reader by revealing fascinating information during the final paragraphs of the next few chapters.

Chapter 15 ends with Alice saying, "My powers are ridiculous."

Chapter 16 ends with Carlisle saying, "I'm handsome and blonde. Also old."

Chapter 17 ends with Esme saying, "My baby is dead."

Chapter 18 ends with Rosalie proclaiming, "I'm kind of a b-word."

Chapter 19 ends with Angela saying, "Bella treats me like crap, but I don't mind because I'm just a third-tier character who is easily forgettable. I don't even know what my last name is."

Chapter 20 ends with Conner saying, "Who the hell am I?"

Chapter 21 ends with Tanya saying, "Brr. Alaska is cold."

Chapter 22 ends with Mike Newton saying, "I named my bed Bella Swan. What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

And the entire book ends with Bella telling us, "I love Edward. But I also love Jacob. I love Jacob like a brother. I love Edward like a husband….a husband in waiting. And yet, I also love Jacob. But my love for Jacob is more brotherly. Whereas my love for Edward is more passionate, like a lover. However, one must consider that I also love Jacob, even if my love for Jacob is family-oriented. So is Jacob also my lover? Jake is more a friend, really. Edward is someone I love. Also? I love Jacob. Love can be different and difficult. I'm pale."
Unfortunately, we only hear Edward's side of the conversation, so I had to use my imagination to fill in what Jacob said. Below are Edward's exact words from the book, coupled with how I envision Jacob responded.

EDWARD: Hello Jacob.
JACOB: What's up, Ed-turd?
EDWARD: Someone was here—not a scent I know.
JACOB: Why don't you write a lullaby about it?
EDWARD: Has your pack come across anything new?
JACOB: Man, I don't know. When we're soaring above the trees with our jetpacks, we see all kinds of crazy crap. Bring Bella over to my house. I want to kiss her.
EDWARD: Here's the crux, Jacob. I won't be letting Bella out of my sight till I get this taken care of. It's nothing personal—
JACOB: No, here's the crux, crux-boy. I can name all the state capitals. I bet you can't.
EDWARD: You might be right—
JACOB: I know I'm right, monkey-muncher. Now why don't you shut the hell up and give me $50, or else I'll cram a lit match in your eye.
EDWARD: That's an interesting suggestion. We're quite willing to renegotiate. If Sam is amenable.
JACOB: Oh, I think Sam will be "amendable." You sound like a d-bag.
EDWARD: Thank you.
JACOB: Are you taking Bella to the see Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakel?
EDWARD: I'd planned to go alone, actually. And leave her with the others.
JACOB: You're such a fan boy. I bet you'll love the movie.
EDWARD: I'll try to consider it objectively. As objectively as I'm capable of.
JACOB: I wish hotdogs were flat like hamburgers.
EDWARD: That's not a half-bad idea. When?
JACOB: All the time, I guess. You sound scared. [IN MOCKING TONE] Do you want me to come over and hold your hand?
EDWARD: No, that's fine. I'd like a chance to follow the trail personally, anyway.
JACOB: How long does it take you to tie your shoes?
EDWARD: Ten minutes.
JACOB: Say "certainly" or I'll kill your brain.
EDWARD: Certainly.
JACOB: Put Bella back on the phone, so I can French kiss her with my voice.
Also, I just found the first sarcasm hand! Yay!

Also, this is funny.

"Of course, this wasn't Stephenie Meyer's first choice of symbols. I was lucky enough to stumble upon her first, second, and third drafts of this section:

While thinking about Edward, I was playing with oil and water, mixing them around in a bowl to pass the time. I tried so hard to combine the water with the oil, but it wouldn't work. I yelled at the water, "Why are you so clumsy and mortal? Why can't you be more beautiful? Why can't you be more like oil?" Then, in frustration, I poured the mixture onto the floor and mashed it into the carpet. The stain it left resembled a heart...kind of. Murmur."

I found this funny. :)

"Jasper uses his super powers to calm Bella down, but this only works when Jasper and Bella are in the same room, much like my scented candle (Christmas Cupcake), which I have now named Jasper."

Keep in mind it's all about a scholarship fund for school...and yet there is an ironic error, do you see it? Not as bad as that school zone misspelling, but still funny.
Interesting things from Enya's Wikipedia page:

"In a May 2011 interview, Enya's manager said that she is working on a new album and will likely tour to support it, with part of the recording taking place in Abbey Road Studios in London.[36] As of June 2014, neither a new studio album release nor a promotional tour has been announced."

Hope for the future!

"In addition to performing for Pope John Paul II, the singer participated in a live broadcast on British television for Christmas Eve in 1997, before she flew home to County Donegal to join her family at midnight Mass.[45] She still sings in her mother's choir every Christmas at midnight Mass, at St. Mary's Church."

And if she DOESN'T tour, someday we could go to that church for the midnight concert! :)

"She does not classify her music as belonging to the New Age genre. When asked what genre she would classify her music as belonging to, she would reply, 'Enya'."



47 Muldering Cranthers

The 47th Month

August 2014


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