August 10th, 2014

(no subject)

Also, I just found the first sarcasm hand! Yay!

Also, this is funny.

"Of course, this wasn't Stephenie Meyer's first choice of symbols. I was lucky enough to stumble upon her first, second, and third drafts of this section:

While thinking about Edward, I was playing with oil and water, mixing them around in a bowl to pass the time. I tried so hard to combine the water with the oil, but it wouldn't work. I yelled at the water, "Why are you so clumsy and mortal? Why can't you be more beautiful? Why can't you be more like oil?" Then, in frustration, I poured the mixture onto the floor and mashed it into the carpet. The stain it left resembled a heart...kind of. Murmur."

(no subject)

Unfortunately, we only hear Edward's side of the conversation, so I had to use my imagination to fill in what Jacob said. Below are Edward's exact words from the book, coupled with how I envision Jacob responded.

EDWARD: Hello Jacob.
JACOB: What's up, Ed-turd?
EDWARD: Someone was here—not a scent I know.
JACOB: Why don't you write a lullaby about it?
EDWARD: Has your pack come across anything new?
JACOB: Man, I don't know. When we're soaring above the trees with our jetpacks, we see all kinds of crazy crap. Bring Bella over to my house. I want to kiss her.
EDWARD: Here's the crux, Jacob. I won't be letting Bella out of my sight till I get this taken care of. It's nothing personal—
JACOB: No, here's the crux, crux-boy. I can name all the state capitals. I bet you can't.
EDWARD: You might be right—
JACOB: I know I'm right, monkey-muncher. Now why don't you shut the hell up and give me $50, or else I'll cram a lit match in your eye.
EDWARD: That's an interesting suggestion. We're quite willing to renegotiate. If Sam is amenable.
JACOB: Oh, I think Sam will be "amendable." You sound like a d-bag.
EDWARD: Thank you.
JACOB: Are you taking Bella to the see Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakel?
EDWARD: I'd planned to go alone, actually. And leave her with the others.
JACOB: You're such a fan boy. I bet you'll love the movie.
EDWARD: I'll try to consider it objectively. As objectively as I'm capable of.
JACOB: I wish hotdogs were flat like hamburgers.
EDWARD: That's not a half-bad idea. When?
JACOB: All the time, I guess. You sound scared. [IN MOCKING TONE] Do you want me to come over and hold your hand?
EDWARD: No, that's fine. I'd like a chance to follow the trail personally, anyway.
JACOB: How long does it take you to tie your shoes?
EDWARD: Ten minutes.
JACOB: Say "certainly" or I'll kill your brain.
EDWARD: Certainly.
JACOB: Put Bella back on the phone, so I can French kiss her with my voice.

(no subject)

Stephenie Meyer continues to shock the reader by revealing fascinating information during the final paragraphs of the next few chapters.

Chapter 15 ends with Alice saying, "My powers are ridiculous."

Chapter 16 ends with Carlisle saying, "I'm handsome and blonde. Also old."

Chapter 17 ends with Esme saying, "My baby is dead."

Chapter 18 ends with Rosalie proclaiming, "I'm kind of a b-word."

Chapter 19 ends with Angela saying, "Bella treats me like crap, but I don't mind because I'm just a third-tier character who is easily forgettable. I don't even know what my last name is."

Chapter 20 ends with Conner saying, "Who the hell am I?"

Chapter 21 ends with Tanya saying, "Brr. Alaska is cold."

Chapter 22 ends with Mike Newton saying, "I named my bed Bella Swan. What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

And the entire book ends with Bella telling us, "I love Edward. But I also love Jacob. I love Jacob like a brother. I love Edward like a husband….a husband in waiting. And yet, I also love Jacob. But my love for Jacob is more brotherly. Whereas my love for Edward is more passionate, like a lover. However, one must consider that I also love Jacob, even if my love for Jacob is family-oriented. So is Jacob also my lover? Jake is more a friend, really. Edward is someone I love. Also? I love Jacob. Love can be different and difficult. I'm pale."

(no subject)

The Cullens meet in the ready-room to discuss the situation.

BELLA: And so I think maybe the vampires in Seattle are the same vampires that stole my clothes.
CARLISLE: Genius! You're a bloody genius!
BELLA: I also think that when my body runs out of water, it makes me thirsty for water.
ESME: You should be a scientist!
EDWARD: What should we do about this situation? Wait for a few weeks? Stand around talking about our past? Because if that's what it takes, I'll do it. See, once upon a time I had a bad case of the flu and so Carlisle—
EMMETT: We need to go kill these vampires. They need to ride the Pain Train. [FLEXES HIS MUSCLES]
CARLISLE: But we can't. We don't know how. Jasper needs to—
JASPER: [YELLING FROM THE OTHER ROOM] I'm not ready yet! My charts aren't finished, the glue is drying weird, and now I'm out of glitter. Mom? Do we have any glitter? Silver glitter? None of that gold crap.
ESME: Check the junk drawer, dear.
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] Mom, can you check? Mom? Mooooom? Glitter?
ESME: Why can't you check, love?
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] Because I'm coloring!
ALICE: Wait. I'm getting a vision. Someone will…do something…and…there's a man, or maybe a potato? Bella, do you know any men or potatoes that hate you?
EMMETT: Uh-oh. I think the Pain Train is leaving soon. Destination, Seattle. [FLEXES MUSCLES]
JASPER: [FROM OTHER ROOM] Mom!? Is Emmett making fun of my scars?
ESME: No, honey. No one is making fun of your scars.
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] Yes he is! I know he is. He's always making fun of my scars! I hate him! I hate this family! I want to drink Bella's blood.
ESME: Jasper, honey. We talked about that, remember?
ROSALIE: Why would a vampire want…her? Like, eww.
EMMETT: By the way, I call my arms the Pain Train. And they depart every hour, on the hour. Because that's what's up. [STARES AT EDWARD]
CARLISLE: Emmett's right. We should probably go to Seattle soon.
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] But I told you! I'm not ready! The charts aren't done, and I need to cut out more picture from magazines! And all our magazines are stupid. I hate them!
EDWARD: Hmm. Who is behind this vampire army?
CARLISE: I have no idea.
ESME: It could be anyone.
ROSEALIE: It's a real mystery.
EMMETT: Whoever it is, I shall give them a non-transferable ticket to ride the Pain Train.
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] Mom? Is Emmett talking about my scars? My scars are not my fault, Emmett. I'm pretty on the inside! Tell him, mom. Tell him I'm pretty on my insides!
BELLA: Um…maybe Victoria is behind all this?
EDWARD: Oh Bella, you're such a total moron.
EMMETT: Pain Train!

Meanwhile, the werewolves have already killed Victoria and the newborn vampires. After that, they built an orphanage and organized a food drive. They also cleaned up 13 miles of Highway 87, and stopped four bank robberies.

(no subject)

After weeks and weeks of waiting, everyone will finally learn the secret to killing newborn vampires. This is going to be amazing. This is going to be fascinating. There must be some secret trick, like maybe you need to stab them in the eye. Oh boy. Oh boy. This is going to be good!

And then Jasper says that to kill a newborn vampire, you need to be fast.


Wait. That's it? Hold on. My book is probably broken. The pages of this chapter in which Jasper shows everyone how to stab a newborn vampire in the eye must be missing.

Crap. My book is intact.

Be fast? That's the trick? That's what Jasper has been waiting to tell us? Really? Be fast? I could have told you that. I wonder what Jasper's trick is for making a delicious blueberry muffin.

JASPER: Use batter. Blueberries too.

You might think I'm exaggerating. But here are Jasper's word-for-word instructions:

"As long as you come at them from the side, and keep moving, they'll be too confused to respond effectively."

You don't need a special dagger or a magic rope. You don't need a fancy bullet or a sword made of angel bones. You just need to be fast…and hit them sideways. Well, I'm glad Jasper waited to tell everyone this helpful information. Had he mentioned it earlier, I'm sure Emmett would have crushed Jasper's dumb blond head in a vice. I know I would have, if I had a vice.

With the complex, wildly inventive strategy explained, Jasper challenges Emmett to a sparring match, to show everyone what he means about being fast. Jasper races around in a blur as Emmett tries to catch him. Finally, Jasper grabs him from behind, and Emmett loses. (Boo!)

I love watching the vampires practice, but what does this teach anyone? Were the vampire going to fight slowly against the evil vampires?

EDWARD: OK, when we fight the bad guys, I'm going to casually walk up to them and poke them directly in the nose.
ESME: And I shall stroll toward one of them, and slap his forehead.
ROSALIE: I will just stand still and wait for them to come to me. Then I will kill them with kisses and hugs.
JASPER: NO! You fools! That will never work!

The fight begins!

EVIL VAMPIRE: Now, little Bella. You are mine! [RUSHES TOWARDS BELLA]
JASPER: Attack!
EVIL VAMPIRE: What the hell? No! Don't attack me sideways! Anything but sideways! And not so fast. Please slow down! Argh!
QUIL: My girlfriend is two years old. I just want to make sure everyone knows that. I cannot stress this fact enough. She is two, and I love her. I don't see age, only beauty. If you have a problem with that, then I say good day to you, sir, and move on with my life.

(no subject)

With the camping gear packed, Edward and Bella head out into the forest to leave the false trail. Edward tells Bella which way to walk, and as they proceed, she drops strands of hair and touches trees to make sure her stink is everywhere. I can't think of anything funny to say about that. So apropos of nothing: Sometimes I look at trees and wonder if they're just growing or if they're trying to slowly escape Earth.

(no subject)

The next chapter is an all-out orgy. And by orgy, I mean "awkward talky-time."

EDWARD: Bella, you need to get some rest. Brush your teeth and moisturize your skin. And don't forget to floss.
JACOB: Why do you tell Bella what to do all the time?
EDWARD: Because if I don't, she'll die.
JACOB: You're not giving her a chance.
EDWARD: Fine. You think she can survive on her own? Check this out. [To Bella] Lamb, Jake and I are going to step outside of the tent for a minute. You'll be fine on your own, right?
BELLA: Yeppers!

[Jacob and Edward leave for one minute and then return to find Bella covered in blood and missing a foot]

EDWARD: What happened?
BELLA: Well, I wasn't sure if I should cut off my own foot or not. And Eddie wasn't around to tell me to stop. So…
JACOB: But…but…but…
BELLA: It's all good. My foot doesn't hurt. Just the part where my foot connected to my leg hurts. So I don't think I need to see a doctor.
JACOB: But…but…but…
BELLA: And I brushed the wound with toothpaste because the bone looked like a tooth to me. Then I used your cellphone to wire all my money to some needy man named SpAMFILE.
BELLA: I may have also become addicted to opiates. Not really sure yet.
JACOB: We were only gone for a minute!
BELLA: Wait. Hold on. Um…yep. I'm addicted to opiates. Weird, right?
EDWARD: [Turns to Jacob] Now do you understand?
JACOB: I…but…
BELLA: Do you have any opiates? Or foot glue?