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August 11th, 2014

So Bella goes home, complete with a new dress that Alice bought as a way to keep their alibi safe. She makes dinner for Charlie and they chat about Jacob. The aloof Charlie says Billy was acting odd all day. We know that Billy was worried about the war going on, but couldn't tell Charlie about it. So it's understandable that Billy was a bit preoccupied.

Then Charlie says they heard deafening wolf howls, which stopped when Sam and the guys brought the broken Jacob inside the house. They told Charlie Jacob was hurt in a motorcycle accident. Charlie thinks the whole day was weird, but doesn't bother to ask important questions. Nice work, Chief of Police Charles Swan. I wonder how he handles crime?

[BANK ROBBER DRIVES PAST IN A GETAWAY CAR, SHOOTING BULLETS EVERYWHERE]
CHARLIE: That car is weird. I hope Bella makes breakfast for dinner.
Huh?

I was under the impression that the Volturi vampires were all-knowing, all-powerful vampires. These ancient baddies aren't able to smell werewolves? The same werewolves whose sent is so strong that Eddie can smell Jacob's odor on Bella's hair for hours after Jacob left? This seems assy.

DAKOTA FANNING: I smell something strong and unpleasant.
VOLTURI GUARD 1: I smell it too. It's like a beast but with hints of human…
VOLTURI GUARD 2: Maybe it's a wolf that was stapled to a man.
DAKOTA FANNING: Hmm. Probably. This is most unusual. I also wonder how the Cullens could have defeated an entire army of newborn vampires.
JASPER: We moved fast. Sideways, too.
DAKOTA FANNING: That explains it. The smell is a wolf stapled to a man or maybe burnt popcorn. Let's not worry about it.


Edward takes the still-confused Bella to the clearing. On the way, he (finally) explains that Werewolf Jacob was injured trying to protect Werewolf Leah. The news that Jacob was hurt makes Bella very sleepy, and she takes a nap.

When she wakes up, she is in the clearing, surrounded by the Cullens. Emmett is there. Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, I got a new basketball. Guess what I named it! I named it Emmett. Now, after I make each and every shot, I say, "Thanks Emmett," and smile. Then my friends smile. Then they smile with their voices. It sounds a lot like giggling, but it's really just loud smiles. You make everyone happy, Emmett.
But—and I may be wrong about this, because the writing is so utterly confusing—Bella doesn't even break the skin with her rock-dagger. Before making the incision, she gasps, and this gasp distracts Victoria long enough for Edward to kick her ass into a tree.

A gasp? That's all it took? Perhaps Bella has a super gasping power. Or maybe I've been underestimating the power of gasps my entire life. Or maybe this is just a lousy climax. What if instead of taking the ring to Mount Doom, Frodo simply had to gasp at the ring to destory it? What if Andy didn't need to escape prison in The Shawshank Redemption, but merely had to gasp at the evil warden? What if the Death Star could have been destroyed by a gasp?


Prediction:
After the war, the werewolves and the Cullens have a big party at the Cullen house.

ESME: Dude. Did you see me stab that vampire in his ear? That was sweet!
EMBRY: Oh man. That was awesome. How about the time I bit off that vampire's knee?!
EMMETT: I killed a vampire by twisting his head off with my feet whilst I killed a second vampire with my thumbs. I also killed ten vampires with a sword I glued to an ax.
EDWARD: That sounds great. I killed Victoria.
SETH: And I ate Riley!
BELLA: And I gasped!
[SILENCE]
BELLA: I gasped real loud!
[SILENCE]
BELLA: It was like this [MAKES GASP SOUND] Cool, huh? Pretty much saved the day.
[SILENCE]
BELLA: Y'all are just jealous.
QUIL: My girlfriend can't use scissors.

Aug. 11th, 2014

It's also the most hilarious thanks to this gem of a mind-thought from Bella as she finally realizes she loves Jacob:

"His pain had always been and would always be my pain - now his joy was my joy. I felt joy, too, and yet his happiness was somehow also pain."

Sorry. I'm going to need a minute here. I'm laughing so hard that no noise is coming from my mouth. I think the laugh is at such a high pitch that it's upsetting the neighborhood dogs and bats. And now I'm crying with laughter…that is also happiness and somehow also pain, but a pain that is also the joy of happiness mixed with other pain.
Prediction:
Jacob is fighting in the battle. Minutes later, he feels a tap on his shoulder.

EDWARD: Hey Jake.
JACOB: What's up? Is there a problem?
EDWARD: Sort of. Bella wants to talk to you again.
JACOB: But the war…
EDWARD: Yeah, I know. But she's being double-sad. I hate to see her like this.

Jacob and Edward go back to camp.

BELLA: Jacob! I need to talk to you.
JACOB: Are you OK?
BELLA: Yep. I wanted you to know that I like you as a friend.
JACOB: Um…great. Listen, I need to get back to the fight. Quil was just murdered. It's not looking good.
BELLA: [Annoyed] Fine. Whatever.

Jacob leaves. Moments later, Edward taps his shoulder again and takes him back to Bella.

JACOB: This better be important. The bad vampires have Embry and Esme surrounded. Jasper is dead. And Sam had his arm torn off.
BELLA: Do you like corn on the cob, or off the cob? I like corn off the cob. I wanted you to know that.
JACOB: …
BELLA: Because corn on the cob is fun to eat, but then you get all those corn pieces in your teeth.
JACOB: …
BELLA: I like peas. Do you like peas?

Jacob just walks away. He returns to the battle and sees that the bad vampires have slaughtered everyone, including all the citizens of Forks. As he stares at the carnage, a single tear falls from his eye while an evil vampire stabs him in the chest with a broken rusty pipe. Jacob falls to the ground. As he dies, he sees Edward approaching.

JACOB: Help…me…
EDWARD: Bella wants to talk to you.
JACOB: Losing...blood...
EDWARD: I'm not going to carry you. That'd be weird. You'll need to crawl up the mountain.

At the campsite.

BELLA: I think Ben Stiller is a pretty good actor, given the right role. I wanted you to know that.
JACOB: I…hate…you...
BELLA: I hope we can still be friends after you die.
JACOB: …
BELLA: Where does your tail go when you turn back into a human?

Aug. 11th, 2014

Why didn't they hide Bella in—gosh, I don't know—a house? Or even a car with a working heater? Why does she need to be outside in the elements? What possible benefit could this have?



EVIL VAMPIRE 1: We will kill Bella!
EVIL VAMPIRE 2: Yes, she will soon be destroyed!
EVIL VAMPIRE 3: Unless, of course, she's inside a tent. In which case, we're totally screwed.
EVIL VAMPIRE 1: But I thought tents didn't really exist. I thought it was just a story vampire moms told their vampire children to scare them.
EVIL VAMPIRE 2: No! Not tents! Anything but tents! [Kills himself]

Eventually, Bella is warm enough that her muscles relax and she asks Jacob a weird question: Why is his wolf fur much longer than the wolf fur of all the other werewolves?

Huh?

Of all the questions I have for the werewolves, asking about their hair length doesn't even crack my top fifteen. And because I know you're wondering, here are my top fifteen questions I will ask a werewolf when I meet one:

1. Can you tell me which muscles I need to flex to become a werewolf?

2. Why not?

3. Please?

4. What's it like being amazing?

5. Can you time travel?

6. Could you eat a dinosaur?

7. Are you sure you can't time travel?

8. Do you have a best friend?

9. How do you keep your fur from catching fire when you use jet packs?

10. If a werewolf turns into a wolf while she's pregnant, does the fetus also transform?

11. When in wolf form, you read each other's minds. But do you also see what other werewolves are seeing? If so, you could save a lot of money by only sending one wolf to the movies, while the other wolves simply stayed home and read that wolf's mind.

12. If someone staples your tail to a tree while you're in wolf form, what would happen when you transform back into a human? Would the tail still be stapled to the tree?

13. Where does your tail go?

14. Ke$ha sucks, right?

15. What song should we sing at karaoke night?
But Bella takes the opportunity to ask why Jacob's wolf fur is long. *sigh*

What's even more disappointing is Jacob's answer: his wolf fur is longer because his human hair is longer than the other tribe members' hair.

Okaaaay...

So by that logic, werewolf Leah must have shorter hair than Jacob. Right? Does Leah shave her head? If she had long hair, she wouldn't be able to run as a wolf.
But forget about Leah for the moment. Why would your head hair have any impact on the length of your body hair? When a werewolf transforms, does his scalp spread out over his entire body? What if he's bald? What if he dyes his hair? I need to revise my werewolf questionnaire.

Aug. 11th, 2014

T'was late in the morn' when Bella awoke.
She had slept in real late, and that is no joke
She makes a Pop-Tart, as Edward does stare
He looks at her wolf-charm, and pretends not to care.



They talk about gifts, and presents and such.
She wants nothing from Eddie but the gift of his touch.
He will give her a gift. Something old, something used.
She says she'll accept. I'm guessing it's shoes.

They yap about love, as I roll my eyes.
Then Alice calls Eddie, and part of me dies.
I hate Alice Cullen. You know that by now.
So I will shut up, like some silent cow.

Edward hangs up, and gives Bella a look.
She knows she's been caught like some dirty crook.
See, Bella has thought of a scary new plan,
To help her friends fight the evil vampire clan.

She will not hide away during the big bad fight,
But will stand in the clearing where she can see every bite.
Her presence will confuse the bad nasty vamps.
So the Cullens and werewolves will become the champs.

How's this poem going? Have you been to Prague?
I'm starting to wish I wrote a regular blog.
What rhymes with Embry? Gosh, I don't know.
Why couldn't he have been named Ted, Fred, or Joe?

Angry Bella demands to be part of the fight.
She whines and complains, like she does every night.
Edward says no, it's too filled with danger
She'd only get hurt. She's no Hermione Granger.

But Bella refuses her master's demand.
If Edward is fighting, she's making her stand.
She says, "Jasper knows that this plan will work.
So quit being a baby, you big baby jerk."

Ed shakes his head. He will not give in.
He then changes the subject. I want to kick his shin.
He talks about the wolves, the were-ing kinds.
He used his dumb powers to read into their minds.

One new wolf is a woman, and not to be rude,
But does she walk around all day nearly nude?
The boy-wolves hate shirts, and pants that are long.
I wonder if she-wolf walks around in a thong.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Don't give me that look.
I've been spending too much time with this lousy book.
Too many abs, pecs, and jean shorts descriptions.
It's like I'm reading Twilight: The Swimsuit Edition.

That last part didn't rhyme, and hardly makes sense.
Sorry about that. And don't take offense.
So Edward saw into all the werewolves' brains
And tells us their gossip, their feelings, their pains.

The she-wolf is Leah, ex-girlfriend of Sam
She's part of the pack now, and I'm all like, "Daaamn!"
Think of the drama! This is going to be fun.
Like watching a dating show on VH1.

Leah thinks about stuff others wish to ignore.
Like the fact that Embry's dad is a man-whore.
See, Embry's mom came here from way up north.
And…this part is hard to rhyme, and so forth.

Not sure how to put this, and still make a poem.
Need to rhyme the word Quileute, or Ateara. Hummm.
OK, Embry's mom had an affair, though we're not sure with whom.
His dad might be Billy, or the other dads. Ka-boom!

I wonder if SparkNotes will let me call Leah a bitch.
I might need to change that to "loser" or "witch."
But I'm technically correct, as Leah's a dog.
I'm teaching folks vocab with the words in this blog.

That's all the wolf stories that Edward will tell.
And it's back to Bel's plan, and how it will fail
She makes a demand that is selfish and trite.
"Ed, you stay with me, while the others go fight."

Belly won't mess with the vampire war
If Eddy stays behind and kisses her more.
She wants him to stand down, let the others go to battle.
Bella's like a baby, demanding her rattle.

Edward should fight; he should help his friends.
But he decides to sit out. I hope he dies in the end(s).
He could save his family, or the entire town of Forks.
But Bella makes him her cuddle buddy. What dorks.

Bella, you're evil. I hate you. You suck.
I hope you get bit by an evil rabid duck.
How could you ask this? How? And why?
Ed needs to fight. If he doesn't, you die!

Edward agrees not to fight, and I lose all respect.
Ed, you should fight the bad vampires. Bella can deal with neglect.
Emmett better show up soon. I'm getting a headache.
And he should bring me an axe, a sword, and a big piece of cake.

So Edward won't fight, and Bella eats food.
Some crap happens with Alice, but I'm not in the mood.
Later that night they all go to fight practice.
And…something, something, something cactus.

Only three wolves show up, but it's better than none.
They are so cool, big, and brave! I wish I were one.
I keep flexing my calves, sure that is the trick.
But so far it's done nothing but make my face tic.

Emmett is there, wrestling. Hi Emmett! It's me!
Jacob's there too, with his friends Quil and Embry.
Ah! I found a good rhyme for the odd-named chap.
I knew I could it do it. I should go into rap.

My rap name would be Phalcon. Or maybe just Dan.
I would rap about dinosaurs, jetpacks, and Japan.
And I would wear lots of gold, but not on my neck.
I would wear a man-tiara. Why not? What the heck!

Where was I? Oh yeah, the practice. That's right.
Wolf Jacob walks to Bella, not to Edward's delight.
Then something happens, that was not expected
I found myself smiling. (No sarcasm detected.)

Bella and Wolfy share a quiet moment or two.
It's charming and nice, like Winnie the Pooh.
He barks, and she talks, and it's genuinely sweet.
After reading this dumb chapter, this part was a treat.

But the final line of this chapter made me laugh so hard
It's goofy, and pretentious. Meyer thinks she's The Bard.
I would type it here, but it will mess up my rhyming.
Go read it yourself. Mountains are for climbing.

Aug. 11th, 2014

So anyway, Bella is driving around town in her new Mercedes. Her truck, which was one of my favorite characters in this series, died. So, that pissed me off for the rest of the day. It's like if the third Lord of the Rings movie began with Cate Blanchett whispering, "And the ring traveled East, right into the clutches of Lord Sauron. By the way, Gimli died a few weeks ago. He had diabetes.

Aug. 11th, 2014

Prediction:
After breakfast, Bella and Edward continue to argue.

EDWARD: We can't have nude passion again, Lamb, because it will kill you.
BELLA: No it won't. I'm fine! I'm totally fine!
EDWARD: You don't understand. I lost control last night. I took one of your kidneys.
BELLA: You did what?
EDWARD: I lost control and was overpowered by lust. Stealing your kidney just felt like the right thing to do. You didn't notice because you were in the throes of passion.
BELLA: No biggie. I have another kidney. I'll just hide my second one next time, maybe shove it down to my ankle. Then you can't get it. [TRIES TO MOVE HER REMAINING KIDNEY WITH A ROLLING PIN]
EDWARD: It's still too dangerous. I did more than steal your kidney…
BELLA: What else did you do to me?
EDWARD: Well, in the heat of the moment, I gave you a cavity. A deep one.
BELLA: Really?
EDWARD: [ASHAMED] Yes. I lost control, Bella. This is what I was afraid of.
BELLA: A cavity isn't a huge deal. I can go to the dentist.
EDWARD: But there's more. At about 2 a.m., when you left to get a drink of water, I posted a Facebook picture of you on the toilet. I…I lost control Bella.
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: I knew this would happen. I couldn't control my actions. I was running on pure animal instincts. Overwhelmed with passion, posting that photo just felt right. I'm sorry.
BELLA: That doesn't make sense.
EDWARD: I also wrote, "Fat Chick" on your back with a permanent marker.
BELLA:…
EDWARD: See! I told you it was dangerous. When you're a vampire, things will be different.
BELLA: It's OK. Really. By the way, why are my nostrils glued shut?
EDWARD: It's not my fault, Lamb. It's the passion. Well, the passion and the glue.

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47 Muldering Cranthers

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