August 12th, 2014

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In answer to the question from the last blog, the female house cleaner is aware that Eddie is a vampire. She's very concerned for Bella, and in this awkward scene that seems to have been written by a hyper six-year-old, the Brazilian woman and Edward argue over Bella's safety.

It's never clear why they are fighting, but eventually the woman walks over to Bella, touches her belly and says, "Morte." Either she's thinks this child is damned, or she wants it to be named Morty. I think that's a great name. Even better, call it Cactus Morty.

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On the plane home, Bella makes a startling discover.

EDWARD: Don't worry, Lamb. Everything will be fine.
BELLA: But it feels so strange. The baby is already kicking, and it's growing so fast.
EDWARD: Try to relax. We'll be home soon, and—
BABY: Hello?
BELLA: What the hell was that?
EDWARD: It came from your stomach.
BABY: Hello? Yeah, it's me. Your baby.
BELLA: I don't understand. How can—
BABY: I'm growing at an alarming rate. I can already walk and talk, and I'm reading at a 4th grade level.
BELLA: Really?
BABY: I also taught myself fractions.
BELLA: I’m so proud of you, my lion cub! I can't wait to touch your face!
EDWARD: We better kill it.
BELLA: But why? It already knows fractions, Edward! Fractions!
EDWARD: Yeah, but…but…what if you won't have any time to touch my face once the baby is born?
BELLA: Don’t worry, Edward. With a new baby on the way, things are going to change. But I still love you. How about if you be mommy's helper? Would you like that?
EDWARD: [UNDER HIS BREATH] Whatever. The baby better not touch my stuff and get spit-up on everything.
BABY: Hey, mom, can you swallow a bike? I think I know how to ride one.
EDWARD: No! What are you doing? That will kill you! Put that down or—
EDWARD: [ANSWERS PHONE] Hello? Quil? How's it going? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I see. Well, I can ask her, but…[TO BELLA] Quil wants you to swallow this phone. He'd like to speak to the baby.
BELLA: He's such a good guy. He probably just wants to tell the baby a bedtime story. [SWALLOWS PHONE]

Hobbit wedding

Earlier today, Jake's sister Ashlynn assumed we were having a Hobbit-themed wedding. I told her no, and she said she just assumed that's what we would have. I didn't really think about it at the time, but my wedding colors are green and yellow. And now I remember that Hobbits like to dress "chiefly in green and yellow." Lol.

(no subject)

By Daniel Adam Bergstein

Harry Potter is strong and gifted with power.
He can do marvelous things, make enemies cower.
But he doesn't know math; they don't teach that at 'Warts.
So I'm wiser than he, and his mathless cohorts.
Suck on that, Mr. Potter. You're not so great.
What good is a wand, if you can't calculate?
Run away with your spells and philosopher rocks.
I'll rule your world with a basic knowledge of stocks.

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The Cullens don't know why their house plant is dying.

EDWARD: My beloved house plant. It's…dying!
JACOB: Maybe it needs to be watered?
CARLISLE: Watered with milk?
JACOB: No, with water.
CARLISLE: Salty water?
JACOB: No, regular water.
CARLISLE: And do we place a cup of water near the plant, and give the plant a bendy straw?
JASPER: Maybe if we move sideways…
JACOB: No, you pour the water into the soil.
ESME: How much vinegar do we use?
JACOB: None. Just use water.
ALICE: Cinnamon is a type of water, right? I'll go get cinnamon…
CARLISLE: What if we kill the plant with fire? That way, the water could put out the fire.
JASPER: That makes sense. I'll get the fire.
ROSE: No! We must give the plant a chance to live! Let's just wait and see what happens.
BELLA: Magic love might cure the plant. If I love the plant hard enough, it will live. [BELLA SHUTS HER EYES VIGOROUSLY, TRYING TO USE MAGIC LOVE POWERS], love, love.
JACOB: You just pour regular tap water on the plant.
ESME: This sounds dangerous. I'd better hum.
CARLILSE: There's water in soup. Should I make soup and then pour the soup onto the floor near the plant?
JASPER: Moving sideways will help significantly.
EMMETT: Guys! Shut up! I'm trying to make arrows out frozen snakes!
QUIL: My girlfriend can't pronounce "spaghetti" correctly.