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47 Days Earlier | 47 Days Later

After weeks and weeks of waiting, everyone will finally learn the secret to killing newborn vampires. This is going to be amazing. This is going to be fascinating. There must be some secret trick, like maybe you need to stab them in the eye. Oh boy. Oh boy. This is going to be good!

And then Jasper says that to kill a newborn vampire, you need to be fast.



Um.

Wait. That's it? Hold on. My book is probably broken. The pages of this chapter in which Jasper shows everyone how to stab a newborn vampire in the eye must be missing.

Crap. My book is intact.

Be fast? That's the trick? That's what Jasper has been waiting to tell us? Really? Be fast? I could have told you that. I wonder what Jasper's trick is for making a delicious blueberry muffin.

JASPER: Use batter. Blueberries too.

You might think I'm exaggerating. But here are Jasper's word-for-word instructions:

"As long as you come at them from the side, and keep moving, they'll be too confused to respond effectively."

You don't need a special dagger or a magic rope. You don't need a fancy bullet or a sword made of angel bones. You just need to be fast…and hit them sideways. Well, I'm glad Jasper waited to tell everyone this helpful information. Had he mentioned it earlier, I'm sure Emmett would have crushed Jasper's dumb blond head in a vice. I know I would have, if I had a vice.

With the complex, wildly inventive strategy explained, Jasper challenges Emmett to a sparring match, to show everyone what he means about being fast. Jasper races around in a blur as Emmett tries to catch him. Finally, Jasper grabs him from behind, and Emmett loses. (Boo!)

I love watching the vampires practice, but what does this teach anyone? Were the vampire going to fight slowly against the evil vampires?

EDWARD: OK, when we fight the bad guys, I'm going to casually walk up to them and poke them directly in the nose.
ESME: And I shall stroll toward one of them, and slap his forehead.
ROSALIE: I will just stand still and wait for them to come to me. Then I will kill them with kisses and hugs.
JASPER: NO! You fools! That will never work!


Prediction:
The fight begins!

EVIL VAMPIRE: Now, little Bella. You are mine! [RUSHES TOWARDS BELLA]
JASPER: Attack!
EVIL VAMPIRE: What the hell? No! Don't attack me sideways! Anything but sideways! And not so fast. Please slow down! Argh!
[EVIL VAMPIRE DIES. REST OF VAMPIRE ARMY COMMITS SUICIDE INSTEAD OF FACING THE SPEED AND LETHAL SIDEWAYS ATTACK OF JASPER.]
QUIL: My girlfriend is two years old. I just want to make sure everyone knows that. I cannot stress this fact enough. She is two, and I love her. I don't see age, only beauty. If you have a problem with that, then I say good day to you, sir, and move on with my life.

Comments

( 1 Die Licked — Lick a Die )
matt1993
Aug. 19th, 2014 12:40 am (UTC)
:)

Sorry I didn't comment on these fast enough to kill a newborn vampire, by the way.
( 1 Die Licked — Lick a Die )

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cranthernoddled
47 Muldering Cranthers

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